A little something new...

Like I mentioned in yesterday's post, there may be some changes on the horizon for my running.

So far this season, I haven't had any solid goals. The closest possible thing to a goal that I've had so far is this: I want to finish Denver without walking. That's right, it's exactly the same goal I had last year.

I was thinking about this a few days ago, and with anything you do, you have a choice: you can keep doing what you're doing, you can get worse, or you can get better. So far, with running, I've been content to just keep doing what I'm doing. I guess I'm getting marginally better, just simply due to the fact that I get out there often enough to see an improvement. No, not a consistent, daily improvement (I've never known a runner whose every run is better than the last; there always seem to be good days and bad days for everyone), but a general trend toward improvement.

Why is this, though? I'm starting to think it's fear. I'm a little afraid to see what I can do when I push myself. Because once you know what you're really capable of, it's not as easy to wuss out, is it? If you know you're capable of running 10 minute miles, all of a sudden running 11 minute miles starts to feel like you're taking the easy way out. So, the simple solution is to avoid really pushing yourself. In this way, you remain blissfully ignorant of your true potential, and you're able to keep on shuffling away, feeling proud of yourself for being out there at all.

But lately, I've been thinking more about goals. What do I really want from Denver? What do I want from Memphis?

When I picture myself finishing Denver, and I'm truly honest with myself, what I want is to finish a little faster than I did last year. When I picture myself finishing Memphis, I see an almost entirely different person. Not only do I see myself faster in Memphis (come on, sea level!), I also see myself finishing really strongly. Like a real runner. Like one of those runners who I watch and aspire to be. Typically, I can only admit this to myself in my deepest darkest moments of solitude because if I admit, out loud, that I aspire to be one of those real runners, I run the risk of being embarrassed due to the great divide between where I am now and where I want to be.

I think this is the first step in the right direction, though. My desire to get better, get stronger, is more important to me right now than my desire to stay un-embarrassed (if that's not a word, it ought to be).

And the thing is, I think I can get better... if I'm willing to push a little harder. But it's entirely up to me.

With all these thoughts tumbling around in my head over the last few days, my friend Alicia (you know, the totally hard-core one) mentioned her running group to me. It's a pretty big group, and all of the people in it are training for something half-marathon distance or longer. Several people from the group recently completed the Pikes Peak Ascent marathon: 26.2 miles of climbing 7000ft. A couple of others just finished the Leadville 100 (you know Leadville, the highest incorporated city in the United States? Elevation = 10,152ft?). Suffice it to say that I was more than intimidated just listening to her talk about it.

Alicia assured me that there would be a pace group to fit my needs, and it's a really supportive group, and soon I found myself actually considering going out for a group run with this bunch of athletes. At first I was hesitant. I've had my fair share (and several other folks' fair share) of huge embarrassing athletic failures, and I've no desire to subject myself to pointing and laughter and being the object of ridicule by the masses. But the more I thought about it, I began to realize what I mentioned earlier... my want to get better is bigger than my want to save face.

• Will I get dropped from my pace group? Maybe... there's a good chance, in fact.
• Will I be embarrassed? Maybe.
• Will I be intimidated? Definitely.
  
• Will I run faster than I think I can? Maybe... Alicia seems to think so, anyway! (Thanks for the vote of confidence, Alicia!)
• Will I be grateful for the water provided on the group run course? DEFINITELY.
• Will I come away learning something about running or about myself? Probably.

So, after weighing how much my pride is worth to me, I've decided to go out tomorrow and give it a try with this group: Runner's Edge of the Rockies. I figure if I hate it, I haven't lost anything. I was going to do a 6-miler tomorrow anyway, and this way I get to take advantage of their water/gatorade stops. If I love it, I can sign up for their program, which would get me all the extras: a running coach, a tailored training program specific to my races and my goals, a weekly group run with support, and maybe even a few new friends.

The thing is, I just have to push myself a little bit harder, and I'm hoping this running group will show me how to do that. If I cross the finish in Denver (or Memphis) feeling like I was holding something back in the interest of my own pride, I'm not sure it'll feel like a victory.