I hang my head in shame...

I skipped last night's training run. I was having bad stomach pain which I believe was a result of over-doing it on Tuesday night's run. But still, I feel terrible.

I'm back on today for another 4 miler.

And I do intend to blog that crazy run I did on Tuesday, as well as let you in on some new developments regarding my long run coming up on Saturday.

Berate me gently?

I dragged my feet on the way to the computer, and I'm having trouble looking at the computer screen as I type this. I am so ashamed of myself. Remember those paper towel commercials with the little kid with these huge sad eyes and the music plays "I'm sorry... so sorry..." because the child has accidentally spilled something?

Yeah. That's me.

I thought long and hard about the "to TNT or not to TNT" question all day yesterday and today. SoxFan and I even came up with a list of ideas that seemed to lessen the enormity of the $3000 mountain I was being faced with. However, a lot of those ideas fell through today (our company doesn't do matching gifts anymore, I can't get anyone at my potential corporate sponsorship to return my calls, the company party I was planning to bogart with my fundraiser is happening a mere 10 days from now) and left me with the only logical course of action. I had to quit the team.

I called and spoke to one of the TNT staff about the situation, and she said that if (by some major miracle) one of my corporate sponsorships comes through within the next month, they can add me back to the team.

As you probably can remember, I definitely do struggle with "perspective" at times. In this instance, I could see the situation positively: "I raised nearly $1000, and that money will go to help people. I tried very hard, and I accomplished some good things. I've come a long long way, and I feel good about what I've done." But instead, I mostly see the situation negatively: "I am a huge giant hang-my-head-in-shame disappointment and failure." I know, as I get over the pain of having to back out on something that I'd committed myself to (emotionally, physically, financially), that I will begin to see this in a more positive light, however. My parents were right: the right decision is usually the hardest one to make.

Thank you so much for your donations. In the last few days, several people that I've never even met have made donations, and it has been good for my soul. Your generosity has helped to restore my faith in people, which has recently been severely depleted. 100% of your donations will go to the mission of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and will ultimately go to help folks like Janie, who relies on the research done by LLS supported doctors to keep her alive. All of my sponsors have done a wonderful deed, and I thank you!

Many tears have been shed over this decision, and I'm sure I haven't seen the last of them yet. Thank you all for your support.

*As a side note, many tears in general have been shed over the past 4-5 days, what with the Rockies losing the World Series (knife in my heart) and the having to quit the team and the craziness at work and .... you get it... lately I've been feeling like the universe took a nice steamy dump right on my doorstep. I'm quite sick of it, honestly, and I'm about to come up swinging, universe. *

NOW. .. Just because I'm no longer a member of TNT does not mean that my running shoes are being retired. I have EVERY intention of completing what I set out to do (er, at least part of it!). I would sooner eat nails than give up the hard earned benefits that I've received from running up until now. It took me a ridiculously long time to work up to being able to run 8 miles!

So, I'm hitting the road (albeit as a solo act for this tour) to MARATHON again, with newfound confidence and willpower and discipline and determination. OK, I'll still be slow. But I'll still be out there. Which leads me to my next big question...

Phoenix is in January. I was planning on doing the full marathon in Phoenix, and that is what my training has been geared toward. However... most of my family and friends are "back east" (that's what they say here... not "out east" or "east of here" or just plain old "east"... it's always "back east"), and there is a marathon in NashVegas at the end of April. SO... should I shoot for doing the half-marathon in Phoenix and the full in Nashville? Or should I do the full in Phoenix because that is what I've been training for? Or should I forego Phoenix altogether and just train for Nashville?

As you can see, this latest change in direction (BTW: thanks to Red and her man---RedMan?--- for using this phrase at the party on Saturday... I can already tell it's a helpful phrase for my perspectively challenged brain) adds a whole other level of complexity and worry and stress to this venture. ***Alright, LIFE, I get it already! I need to learn how to handle stress!***

I'm looking for your ideas, folks. Let me know what you think.