It's my party

Whew! I bet you all thought I may never return to my humble little running abode? I'm back, friends. Now, first things first... let's clear some things up.

Thank you all so very much for your very kind words of support after my recent run-in with the EX. Seeing him, and then coming here to write about it, and then hearing all of your kind words really helped me to work through some old stuff that I've been carrying around for a while. It turns out that now that I've seen him, I'm getting over the whole ordeal. Seriously! I've hardly even thought about it for the past few weeks. It's like I've somehow gotten ---closure (gasp!). And here I thought it would never come. Thank you all for giving me a boost when I desperately needed one.

Secondly... This past weekend would have been my marathon. (OK, the RNR AZ Marathon, but still it would have been mine, right?) Huge props to Pokey, who stuck it out (not like me the big fat quitter) and finished her 2nd HM in a year! Also, make sure to congratulate Leah, over at Before I'm 30, who finished her first Marathon! These ladies did an exceptional job (though no race reports have been posted yet), and continue to inspire me to lace up my shoes yet again.

With that in mind---I have decided that I'm going to shoot for the Country Music Half-Marathon at the end of April. Why the HM and not the full, you ask? Well, it's as simple as this: I don't have to impress anyone.

When I began training last year, I initially only wanted to train for the HM. But then I felt the pressure (it's an all-too-familiar feeling for me) of other people's expectations and judgment weighing me down, and far too soon I began to feel like I had to run the full marathon to feel like I'd accomplished anything. This, I now see, is completely ridiculous. There will always be another marathon coming up for which I can train. And I believe that, if I am honest with myself*, I will be just as proud of myself for running 13.1m as I would be for run/walk/crawling 26.2m. So there you have it. A new year, and a new goal. One that I've come to on my own, without considering who might look down their nose at me for "not doing the full distance".

*I hate to call it a "resolution", but this year I've made a promise to myself that I will be as respectful and kind to myself as I am to all of my friends. And I don't lie to or break promises that I make to my friends.

Finally, I'd like to encourage you all to check out the swift little contest being held by Vanilla. If you're interested in increasing your speed this year, why not inject a little competitive spirit into it?

It's good to be back!

Berate me gently?

I dragged my feet on the way to the computer, and I'm having trouble looking at the computer screen as I type this. I am so ashamed of myself. Remember those paper towel commercials with the little kid with these huge sad eyes and the music plays "I'm sorry... so sorry..." because the child has accidentally spilled something?

Yeah. That's me.

I thought long and hard about the "to TNT or not to TNT" question all day yesterday and today. SoxFan and I even came up with a list of ideas that seemed to lessen the enormity of the $3000 mountain I was being faced with. However, a lot of those ideas fell through today (our company doesn't do matching gifts anymore, I can't get anyone at my potential corporate sponsorship to return my calls, the company party I was planning to bogart with my fundraiser is happening a mere 10 days from now) and left me with the only logical course of action. I had to quit the team.

I called and spoke to one of the TNT staff about the situation, and she said that if (by some major miracle) one of my corporate sponsorships comes through within the next month, they can add me back to the team.

As you probably can remember, I definitely do struggle with "perspective" at times. In this instance, I could see the situation positively: "I raised nearly $1000, and that money will go to help people. I tried very hard, and I accomplished some good things. I've come a long long way, and I feel good about what I've done." But instead, I mostly see the situation negatively: "I am a huge giant hang-my-head-in-shame disappointment and failure." I know, as I get over the pain of having to back out on something that I'd committed myself to (emotionally, physically, financially), that I will begin to see this in a more positive light, however. My parents were right: the right decision is usually the hardest one to make.

Thank you so much for your donations. In the last few days, several people that I've never even met have made donations, and it has been good for my soul. Your generosity has helped to restore my faith in people, which has recently been severely depleted. 100% of your donations will go to the mission of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and will ultimately go to help folks like Janie, who relies on the research done by LLS supported doctors to keep her alive. All of my sponsors have done a wonderful deed, and I thank you!

Many tears have been shed over this decision, and I'm sure I haven't seen the last of them yet. Thank you all for your support.

*As a side note, many tears in general have been shed over the past 4-5 days, what with the Rockies losing the World Series (knife in my heart) and the having to quit the team and the craziness at work and .... you get it... lately I've been feeling like the universe took a nice steamy dump right on my doorstep. I'm quite sick of it, honestly, and I'm about to come up swinging, universe. *

NOW. .. Just because I'm no longer a member of TNT does not mean that my running shoes are being retired. I have EVERY intention of completing what I set out to do (er, at least part of it!). I would sooner eat nails than give up the hard earned benefits that I've received from running up until now. It took me a ridiculously long time to work up to being able to run 8 miles!

So, I'm hitting the road (albeit as a solo act for this tour) to MARATHON again, with newfound confidence and willpower and discipline and determination. OK, I'll still be slow. But I'll still be out there. Which leads me to my next big question...

Phoenix is in January. I was planning on doing the full marathon in Phoenix, and that is what my training has been geared toward. However... most of my family and friends are "back east" (that's what they say here... not "out east" or "east of here" or just plain old "east"... it's always "back east"), and there is a marathon in NashVegas at the end of April. SO... should I shoot for doing the half-marathon in Phoenix and the full in Nashville? Or should I do the full in Phoenix because that is what I've been training for? Or should I forego Phoenix altogether and just train for Nashville?

As you can see, this latest change in direction (BTW: thanks to Red and her man---RedMan?--- for using this phrase at the party on Saturday... I can already tell it's a helpful phrase for my perspectively challenged brain) adds a whole other level of complexity and worry and stress to this venture. ***Alright, LIFE, I get it already! I need to learn how to handle stress!***

I'm looking for your ideas, folks. Let me know what you think.