left, right, left, right. repeat.

So, it's the night before my very first group run, and I am up WAY too late. My plan was to go with some friends to the Rockies game but still return home at a reasonable hour to get sufficient nutrition and sleep. I'm beginning to understand, however, that doing things on Friday nights may be out for me altogether for a while. I am supposed to be at Washington Park in about 7 hours. Yikes!

Aside from the fear of not sleeping enough tonight, and the fear of that vanilla dipped cone I just had to have at the game tonight making an encore appearance during the run tomorrow, I do have some very real fears that I feel like I could flesh out a bit here.

What is scary about running with other people? It's scary only because I know myself fairly well. I know that when I get there tomorrow morning, I will immediately begin comparing myself to the other runners/walkers. I will feel inadequate and nervous and bad. I know this because it's what I do in almost every situation. I struggle with the urge to keep up, to compete, and to compare... on a daily basis. That is one thing that I hope to learn during this whole process: to be alright with myself, just as I am, without comparison to anyone else.

Talking to my very awesome friend, NewMama, (who lives, tragically, very far away) a few nights ago, she reminded me that even if I walk a while during my "runs", I'm still out there doing something great! If my goal is to run 60 minutes (as is my goal tomorrow), and I only end up running 49 and walking 11, I've still done a whole lot better than 60 whole minutes sitting on the couch watching re-runs of America's Next Top Model (because, let's face it, that's the only thing on TV on the weekends... at least on my meager channel lineup).

She's completely right. This whole experience is about me pushing myself. It isn't about being fast or slow or how I finish in my age group. For me, it's about the journey to the finish, which sometimes runs tangent to other people. But my success is not at all defined by how my journey stacks up against anyone else's; rather it is defined by honestly answering this question: "Self, did you push as hard as you could have?"

With that, I put my fears (and my head) to bed.