It really is a happy new year.

Time just gets away from us, doesn't it? Not too long ago, I was writing about how scared I was to turn 29. Not too long ago, I was writing about how scared I was to do a group run with TNT. Well, it's about halfway through the "new year", folks, and I think this is a good time to stop and take inventory.

It seems like a lot of us run into a period of self-reflection in the days between Dec 28-Jan 4ish. I met 2008 with the same feeling that I'd met many other years. I felt like I'd wasted another year. I felt like I had spent 365 days twiddling my thumbs, sort of, and hadn't gotten any closer to being who I wanted to be. I didn't especially like my life, my outlook, my prospects for the new year... But I figured, as I had in so many other years, that this was just my life, and I had a routine and an outlook and a job, so I might as well get used to it.

And then something just slightly different occurred to me: This is just my life.

Maybe it was because I bumped into the ex over Christmas. Maybe it was because this year I turn 30. Maybe it was because I had a sugar blockage in my brain from all the carrot cake I'd enjoyed over Christmas. But all of a sudden those words--- "This is just my life"---took on a whole new meaning. All of a sudden, the thought of spending another year doubting myself and having no confidence made me want to be sick. All of a sudden, I realized that I'd beaten myself up for long enough.

And so I decided. I decided on the flight back from my parent's house in Tennessee to my apartment in Colorado that I would learn how to be kind to myself. I didn't know what that meant, really, but I could feel in my gut that it had something to do with working on myself and allowing myself to change. I promised that I would learn to treat myself with as much respect and caring that I reserve for my friends and family. I didn't decide to try to be kinder to myself, I simply decided to do it.

That was all there was to it. There was no "New Year's Resolution". There was just a decision made and a promise to myself.

A little background information would probably be helpful at this point...

Up to this point in my life, in general, any thoughts I'd ever had about myself had always been "disordered." For years, I never allowed a positive thought about myself to enter my brain. If I had actually done something for which I felt proud of myself, my brain quickly countered with a rationalization for why I'd been able to accomplish such a feat; "You were only able to do that because XYZ... so you really didn't do anything great..." These are the things that I repeated to myself day-in and day-out for the last 10 years or so.

With only these types of thoughts in my head, therefore, it stands to reason that I had no self-worth at all. The only times I'd ever felt good about myself were when someone else gave me a compliment. My ex used to dole out compliments every so often, and I cherished each one as if it were a gold nugget. His one little statement of "You're so smart..." would keep me afloat for weeks. But, if the compliments stopped coming, so did any good feelings I had about myself or life in general.

None of these things changed on Jan 5th with my big decision. I still had a lot of negative self-talk going on, and I still yearned for approval from other people to make me feel like I was worth something. Unfortunately, making a decision didn't make years of bad habits just go away.

What did change, however, was my fight. I fought hard to learn new ways of thinking. I struggled with every negative thought that came into my brain and eventually found a positive replacement for it. I struggled to feel like I was worth something for many weeks and months, searching for someone - anyone - to give me compliments the way my ex had done, before I realized that I had only to depend upon myself for the approval that I had so greatly desired. I began to see myself objectively, in the clear light of reality, and once I stopped judging myself and beating myself up and began treating myself like I would treat a friend, what I saw in myself wasn't so bad after all.

Once these pieces came into line, things that had previously seemed impossible just seemed like things I needed to do. I needed to lose weight, and therefore I would. There would be no "trying to lose weight" there would just be "losing weight". I needed to run. I needed to feel strong. I needed to enjoy my life. I needed to be working toward something. I needed to laugh more. I needed to worry less. I needed to develop a calm confidence. And I have now done those things!

Please don't take this the wrong way! I, obviously, still have days where I struggle with my old demons. I still have days where I don't feel great. But I went from feeling great 5% of the time to feeling great 90% of the time, all by making a decision and being willing to work to change myself. Call it an epiphany, call it growing up, call it divine intervention.... call it whatever you want.

I call it lucky. I happened to be in the right frame of mind at exactly the right moment in my life and I happened to be ready for a drastic change. I had just the right friends supporting me and just the right people reminding me daily of what I was working toward. I feel like I've stumbled upon this great nugget, and I just want to share it with all of my friends who I know fight the same struggles with self-doubt that I did for so many years: The answer to your problems is right there with you all the time!

It's been an amazing six months! I feel like I've come farther in six months that I did in the last 10 years! And, now that I know that I'm capable of more than I ever thought possible, in that clear light of reality, I can't wait to see what the next six months brings.