Will I always feel like a fraud?

A strange little thing happened yesterday at my office. I was having sort of a tough day, getting overwhelmed with responsibility and frustration.... all of this stress and frustration had been building all day... and I actually thought to myself, "It's a rest day today, but I want to run." Without a doubt, this is the first time that I have ever found myself craving physical activity as an outlet. I must be making progress now, no?

In the end, I did not go for a run. Instead, I went to see Damien Rice with some friends at the Fillmore. The show was AMAZING, and good times were had by all.

Tonight's training run was pretty good. I ran faster (i.e. farther in 30 minutes) than I had done previously, so that felt good... well, not so much at the time, but it sure feels great now that I'm sitting on my comfy sofa watching Family Guy. At the time, I was huffing and puffing pretty good. But, I was trying to run a bit faster tonight, so it was a mission accomplished. As I have probably mentioned, the smallest things tend to trip me up: location, weather, pace, music, etc.... So, in an effort to face these little hang-ups, I will run tomorrow's 30 minutes as I normally do and Thursday's 45 minutes in a new and exciting location. ... baby steps....

When I first moved to Colorado, I remember talking to my dad (who lives, tragically, very far away) on the phone. We were talking about skiing, and I mentioned how I was getting better on skis, and he said "So you're becoming a skier, rather than just a person who skis?" So lately, I've been thinking quite a bit about what makes a "runner", as opposed to just a "person who runs". I've been thinking about this because as I do my fundraising, I am faced with having to wear the "runner" label. I tell prospective donors: "I am training for a half-marathon"... and then I have to prepare myself for the blank stare (that is probably a little generous... more likely it is a look of disbelief and shock) that inevitably comes back. I almost feel like I have to apologize for what I'm doing (the training, not the fundraising).

So, I ask you: What qualifies a person as a "runner"? Do you have to have a certain number of miles under your belt? A certain number of months/years running? A certain 10K time? Do you have to have a specific physique? I have heard a wide variety of ideas, from "you can call yourself a runner when you run a sub-4hour marathon" to "you can call yourself a runner if you run, even just slowly and occasionally". ...SO...What are the official prerequisites to get you into this exclusive club? I am open to all ideas at this point....

First group run report

The time was 6:37AM; the place, Washington Park in Denver, Colorado. It was sunny but chilly and beautiful outside, and there were a lot of cars in the parking lot. As I pulled up, my nervousness began to grow exponentially, but I took it as a good omen when I laughed at the bumper sticker on the car parked in front of me: "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup." The resulting giggle helped me calm down and get out of the car... Step one, complete.

We all stood stretching in a circle. I felt intimidated because everyone else there appeared to be more fit than I. Then I saw ConiferGal, from the TNT info meeting. That helped me feel better because talking to her at the info meeting, it sounded like we were both starting out at the same place (ie not knowing how far we could actually go...). After a few minutes of stretching and giving out a few awards to some amazing fundraisers (one guy has raised $8000 since the kick-off meeting last week!), we were on our way. I intentionally let everyone head out ahead of me. I stuck in my earbuds, as well, to block out as much of everything as possible.

I decided to walk to the stretch point, about 10 minutes out, because that most closely replicates what I do at home. I figured I had enough newly introduced variables.... So, I walked for about 10, then I jogged the rest. I had one 2 minute walk break thrown in near the end as well.

I felt like I was going at a snail's pace, but as it turns out, my 5K time from yesterday was my quickest yet! YAY for PR's! And I smiled when I finished. I even told a joke or two to my teammates.

Afterwards, I felt great. I was tired, but not completely wiped out. I was able to head out to the dog park with the crazy beast Ini and his human SoxFan, then back to WashPark for some Ultimate Frisbee spectating, then off to Boulder to celebrate with KevBones who just finished his Master's Defense (Congratulations KevBones!). I was a little worried about the run today (30 minutes again on my own), but it turned out to be GREAT, even though my Garmin died right before I started running so I have no idea about my pace... It was a great run anyway.

I really wanted to run a full 60 minutes on Saturday, and I did not. I still count the group run as a huge success, though. All the fears that I wrote about on Friday night, I conquered on Saturday. I felt a slight twinge of jealousy/competitiveness as I saw ConiferGal's back getting farther and farther away from me, but I reminded myself that I needn't compare myself to anyone else in gauging my success or failure. From that point forward, I successfully blocked out everyone and everything else. I kept my focus on what I was doing, my pace, my distance, my breathing, my form.... And it worked. I very well may have been the last person to finish on Saturday, but I truly did not care.

And even though I walked to the stretch point, and even though I took a small walk break right before the end of the run, I do not feel like I let myself down. I walked those distances because I felt a need to, and I knew that I was making the best decision for myself. Just like picking out a good running shoe, all that really matters is what works for you.

left, right, left, right. repeat.

So, it's the night before my very first group run, and I am up WAY too late. My plan was to go with some friends to the Rockies game but still return home at a reasonable hour to get sufficient nutrition and sleep. I'm beginning to understand, however, that doing things on Friday nights may be out for me altogether for a while. I am supposed to be at Washington Park in about 7 hours. Yikes!

Aside from the fear of not sleeping enough tonight, and the fear of that vanilla dipped cone I just had to have at the game tonight making an encore appearance during the run tomorrow, I do have some very real fears that I feel like I could flesh out a bit here.

What is scary about running with other people? It's scary only because I know myself fairly well. I know that when I get there tomorrow morning, I will immediately begin comparing myself to the other runners/walkers. I will feel inadequate and nervous and bad. I know this because it's what I do in almost every situation. I struggle with the urge to keep up, to compete, and to compare... on a daily basis. That is one thing that I hope to learn during this whole process: to be alright with myself, just as I am, without comparison to anyone else.

Talking to my very awesome friend, NewMama, (who lives, tragically, very far away) a few nights ago, she reminded me that even if I walk a while during my "runs", I'm still out there doing something great! If my goal is to run 60 minutes (as is my goal tomorrow), and I only end up running 49 and walking 11, I've still done a whole lot better than 60 whole minutes sitting on the couch watching re-runs of America's Next Top Model (because, let's face it, that's the only thing on TV on the weekends... at least on my meager channel lineup).

She's completely right. This whole experience is about me pushing myself. It isn't about being fast or slow or how I finish in my age group. For me, it's about the journey to the finish, which sometimes runs tangent to other people. But my success is not at all defined by how my journey stacks up against anyone else's; rather it is defined by honestly answering this question: "Self, did you push as hard as you could have?"

With that, I put my fears (and my head) to bed.

Confidence and Mental Toughness

Thirty minute training runs 2 & 3? Done and done. I think it may be too soon to declare that I own the 2 mile run, but it is probably sufficient to say that, on a regular basis, I rock the 2 mile run. (Is it safe to make such a bold statement after only running this distance maybe half a dozen times?) And before I leave this subject, can I just point out that, before the running began for me this summer, I had never once run 2 whole miles straight. Even in the sprint tri that I completed a few years ago, I ran/walked...

Training run #2 was yesterday, which I ran with SoxFan and his CRAZY dog Ini. I think I was a little bit sore because run#2 was more difficult than run #1. I had a few little aches and pains along the way, so all in all, it was slow, but alright. I got a later start than I wanted... by oh.... 14-15 hours, I guess.... I think some people just aren't geared to wake up and run before work. I do much better in the evenings anyway.

Training run #3 was tonight, which I ran alone. I ran a little faster tonight, which may have been why I felt like quitting toward the end. But, I did not quit. I had one moment where I had a shocking pain in my left knee (that's the bad knee, for future reference), but I kept on going and the pain seemed to subside. I am tough. Mentally and otherwise.

And you know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that mental toughness really just amounts to dealing with reality. For instance, try to think of actual pain, as opposed to imagined/anticipated pain. I have imagined/anticipated pain about going to the dentist. I tense up in the chair, I freak out, I sometimes run away and cry. But all of those reactions are reactions to things that I am worried will happen, rather than things that actually do happen. Also, if you have an idea of how far you should be able to run, your mind seems to trick you into thinking that after that point, you should start to not be able to continue. This is a really evil little trick that your brain plays on you, because if you can separate out the actual pain versus the imagined pain, you can probably keep pushing yourself a lot farther than you thought.

On that note, I have to give huge huge congrats to my friend CaliTri, who, on Sunday, personified mental toughness by completing her first ever Ironman in Wisconsin. I am so proud of her! Not only did she overcome all the obstacles of completing the Ironman (getting kicked in the head repeatedly during the swim, dealing with the subsequent headache during the bike, and banging out 26.2 long long miles to round it off), she also fought hard personal battles to get to that point, and she did it all with grace and humility. Congratulations, CaliTri! You're an IRONWOMAN!

Step one, complete

Before I began my run this evening, my first ever TNT officially scheduled run (on my own), I was very worried and nervous that I'd fail disastrously and wish I'd never signed up for anything that required any sort of running at all. I hadn't run in 2 whole weeks (eeek, I am so embarrassed), and my last 5K... well, you've heard that story already.... whatever. I was thinking that it was likely that I'd need to stop and walk a bit during my first 30 minute run.

But...

I didn't! I kept a decent pace (for me at least), and though I felt tired at one point and thought I couldn't continue, I kept on going and I made it the full 30 (which came in at slightly more than 2 miles). I'm nearly 1/6th of the way there!

A couple of notes I should make at this point:

1.) It really helps to have a friend running with you. I'm not referring to a "running buddy". I am referring to a true friend who seems to know when you can push a little farther and when you're spent. Mine shall be known as SoxFan, and you will probably be reading a lot about him, as he's one of my very best friends.

2.) Audiobooks are my key to running success. For the life of me, I cannot listen to music while running, because I want to run to the beat of the music, which is, inevitably, either too fast or too slow. Audiobooks, however, are the outdoor equivalent of running on a treadmill in front of a TV. You get so interested in what you're hearing/seeing, that you don't think about the running (how far have I gone, how far do I still have, whats my pace, is that dog rabid, etc.). My first selection is "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. Fiction, non-fiction.... whatever. So far I'm entertained.

3.) I need to figure out a way to become "mentally tough"... or at least this is what SoxFan suggests. He's quite right, I think. At some point along this road, I am sure that my willpower and dedication will be tested. I won't want to continue, I will wish I'd never agreed to this running nonsense... but before all that, I think my dilemma is that I'll run into a day where I just don't really feel it. And, having run into those days before, I know that when I start my run with the idea "I don't really want to be running right now"... I have a really terrible run. SO.... mental toughness... Need to pick up some of that.

No running tomorrow, but I have some thoughts on the brew, so hopefully I'll get that all vetted out into something cohesive. Otherwise, I'm back on TUESDAY, when I will have just completed another fabulous 30 minute run.

Bad funk, anyone?

What is it about exercising that seems to keep your whole world running smoothly? Lately, I have admitted to slacking off a bit in the exercise/health part of my life. And, no small coincidence, the rest of my life seems to be falling perfectly to pieces as well. My confidence and energy are plummeting, I'm having trouble waking up in the mornings, I eat crappy food which makes me feel even crappier an hour or so later. AND, to top it all off, I know that getting back on my regular exercise schedule would solve all my problems and make me feel tons better.

That seems to be the tricky part, though. If I KNOW exactly how to solve all my little dramas, then why don't I just do it?

I know I can't be the only one with this problem. I've heard other people talk about how it's "so hard to get going, but once I'm out there.... it's a breeze." Perhaps for me it's never actually a "breeze," but it seems like a similar concept in theory, no?

Other than this, I've got nothing. My general funk is slowly, gradually taking over all aspects of my life.

Vacationing

Because I'm not one to tiptoe around the truth, I will go ahead and admit freely that I have not run, so that's my reason for not posting. I've been entertaining my parents for a few days while they're visiting, and that hasn't left a lot of time (or energy) for any kind of running, slow or otherwise. In addition to this, I have been eating junk food like nobody's business, and I'm feeling incredibly guilty for my leave of absence from healthiness. In addition to this, I have been dealing with a couple of personal issues that leave me dabbling in self-sabotage lately. I hope to figure these things out without turning to "oh yeah? You want to do XYZ? Well, watch this... I will be completely unhealthy just to spite you!" (which is widely documented as the worst and most irresponsible and most immature reaction to any situation under the sun).

The good news is that the Team in Training kickoff meeting is coming up on Saturday. I may be putting too many eggs in the "KICKOFF MEETING" basket, but I'm really hoping that getting together in a big room with lots of other hopeful marathoners/half-marathoners will get me excited about running again. With any luck, I will leave the meeting feeling 20lbs lighter and 5 years younger (with lightness and youth come hope, nay?). I will shun my automobile in favor of running home, which I will do with minimal effort and the graceful speed of a gazelle. OK. That's probably a bit of a stretch. I will just hope to leave with a little jolt of hope that comes from seeing other folks who are like me, who are just as scared and nervous, but who are excited to get started and give it a good effort.